Journal entries

Post-release feelings 

It feels freeing and different to have Martian be out in the world for everyone to hear. 

Releasing music is always an interesting journey. I used to feel pretty insecure about any of the music I released. I felt like I couldn't trust myself to know what sounded good, and I wasn't even sure I would listen to what I was putting out if I was in my friends' shoes. I had a feeling like I knew how to write songs (I do), but I didn't actually know how they sounded to anyone else. 

With Martian, I feel a definite shift. I know that the music sounds good, and I even want to listen to it. I also decided to have someone else master it (bless you, Elisa, if you ever read this), which makes a world of difference. One of my personal obstacles is getting over the feeling that I have to be able to take care of everything myself, and that I should be able to get by without needing help from other people. This is absolutely an impossible frame of mind to use to complete a project like an EP (or anything, ever), if you ask me. The conception of the songs, the production, mixing, and then mastering are all processes with different challenges. Then after the creative part, there is the work of getting people to actually listen and connect with the work!! 

I'm still trying to figure out that last part. In the new year, I am enlisting the help of someone to submit a single from the EP to radio stations and blogs. I was going to do it myself, but I decided that with school and work and given that I lack experience formally submitting to radio/blogs, it would take a load off my shoulders to get some help. I'll report back with how it all goes! Maybe you'll see some new promo shots... or a new lyric video... at some point... :)

The response to the project has honestly been super amazing for me as well. I feel so supported by friends, listeners who are just acquaintances, and other artists who have made space for Martian in their hearts. I do hope that I am able to reach more people with it somehow. It feels like a big personal shift to say that I want more people to hear it. If there's anything that I feel proud of from 2020, it's that I have a new perspective about myself as an artist and my art's place in the world. 

Reflections on being 25 

I turned 25 last week!

So much is happening that my birthday feels really unimportant this year. I am usually someone who likes to absorb attention and be recognized on my birthday, so it feels very strange to say that.

I feel like 25 should be a year where I think about expectations of "achievement", "productivity", etc., but I'm honestly just trying to survive right now. I feel like I accepted a long time ago that I might never fit someone's idea of what any person of any certain age should have achieved or produced, and at the same time I feel called to be useful. It definitely is a pivotal moment in time, on a global scale, and I am not exempt from that. The pandemic (and everything else) is making me think a lot about who I am and what I can offer the world. I think I do the most meaningful work on a person to person level - treating those I love with care and learning with them. I also love working with kids. We'll see where those ideas take me.

What is adulthood, and when do we achieve it? I feel like I've been an adult since I was a child, and also like I will never be an adult. I want to feel hungry to learn new ideas forever. I want to be playful and sweet with people I love, like a child. I want to ask for help, and be held, and taken care of. Can adults do these things? I hope so. I also want to do these things for others. 

I'm excited to connect with parts of my brain I haven't used in a while in January. I'm going to be taking some classes. I used to be good at school, when I was a kid. Sometimes I wonder if what made me good at school was my drive to be rewarded for fulfilling criteria. I don't have that same drive now. I feel like I know that I am valued for more than that. But I also know that I am still quite competitive. Thomas and I have been playing chess, and I have realized that I really don't like to lose. It's a lot of fun getting better at the game, though!! 

I'd love to hear about what kinds of thoughts have come up, or will come up, on your first pandemic birthday. Tell me about it.